On my thirtieth birthday, my husband paid for me to enjoy a facial and massage at a local spa in San Francisco.
My friends all asked if I wanted to go out for drinks or dinner — something we could do together that was fun, uplifting, and, of course, a way to celebrate this new chapter in my life. But after my wedding a few months prior, I declined the fuss; I had learned a bit too late that I did not love being the center of attention at a party designed to celebrate me, myself, and I.
I just wanted to be left alone.
But the thing was, I hated being alone. I spent my entire childhood and the better part of my twenties alone. When I finally had the chance to be a part of society — a member of something meaningful — I did everything I could to learn how to communicate like my peers, how to nurture relationships that lasted, and how not to be so gosh darn obnoxious, because I had the social awareness of a golden retriever greeting strangers at the door.
Possibly a trauma response, or whatever the mental health gurus call it these days, long story short, I pushed everyone away, too embarrassed and ashamed to allow anyone to see me the way I saw me.
Then something started to happen
Faith content started to appear on my FYP. At first, I scrolled past. After all, I had never felt anything remotely divine in my life and thought of faith as little more than a fairy tale you tell children to teach moral lessons. Sure, I grew up Catholic and technically was a practicing one (my husband and I consistently attended Sunday mass during the entire duration of our relationship). But still, to say I knew God was simply not true.
Eventually, I stopped scrolling. They spoke about their relationship with God — that he was always with them — that they were never alone. In an attempt to see what all the hype was about, I prayed…like an idiot who called the wrong number.
“Hello? God? Remember me? Can you hear me? Hello???”
This supposedly tangible yet intangible, everywhere-and-nowhere figure. What does it really mean to have a relationship with God?
The hypothesis
If I read the Bible in its entirety, will I have a relationship with God?
On September 29, 2025, I started the Ascension Bible in a Year program with Fr. Mike Schmitz with the intention of fully opening my heart. No attempt to disprove Him or find contradictions for the sake of exposing it all as a hoax. I wanted to show up willing — to hear Him out and to truly understand.
An invitation
It might not be loneliness you struggle with — maybe there is something else you carry that plagues your heart. But no matter the ailment, join the journey. Learn what I learn. Hear what I hear.
Maybe it will fail, or maybe it won’t. But by the end, I believe something good will come.